Redesigning Connection Part Three: Moving Together

After writing about saunas and car journeys, I started paying closer attention to where the best conversations in my life actually happen.

Not where I expect them to happen. Not sitting opposite somebody with a coffee. Not during a scheduled "catch up."

They often happen while moving. Walking the dog. Running with a friend. Playing golf. Walking back from a rugby match.

The conversation often feels almost accidental.

In fact, the best conversations usually happen when nobody is trying to have one.

For years, I assumed this was because movement helped people relax. There is certainly some truth in that. Walking reduces stress, exercise improves mood, and being outdoors supports psychological wellbeing. But recently I came across something that made me think there might be something much deeper happening.

Researchers call it behavioural synchrony.

Behavioural synchrony refers to the tendency for humans to unconsciously align their movements, rhythms and behaviours with one another. When people walk together, run together, dance together, row together or play sport together, their bodies begin to coordinate in subtle ways. Heart rates can become more aligned, movement patterns become more similar, breathing rhythms can synchronise. Even conversational timing begins to match.

I recently had the privilege of watching my brother play percussion in a charity gig with Paul Weller and Suggs! He told me afterwards that he loved it so much because he and his mate became “co-regulated” when playing together. Without realising it, they started ‘syncing up’, not just in their timing, but more deeply. 

My brother on percussion sharing the stage with legendary performers Paul Weller and Suggs.

What is fascinating is that this isn't simply a by-product of spending time together. It appears to be one of the mechanisms through which social bonds are formed.

Research, led by Professor Robin Dunbar at University of Oxford, has found that synchronised activity increases social closeness and trust. In one study, participants who moved in synchrony reported feeling more connected to each other, in comparison to those who completed the same activities independently. Similar findings have emerged from studies involving rowing teams, military training, dancing groups and organised sport.

The evolutionary explanation is compelling.

For hundreds of thousands of years, humans survived through cooperation. We hunted together, travelled together, gathered and worked together. Groups that moved effectively together were more likely to survive.

Synchrony became a signal. A signal that said:

"You are one of us."

Perhaps this is why people often describe feeling connected to complete strangers after running a marathon, hiking a mountain or playing a team sport together. They haven't necessarily shared their deepest thoughts. They've shared an experience. Shared experiences are one of the most powerful drivers of belonging that we have.

This makes me think about golf differently (my latest mid-life crisis)...

Golf is often portrayed as a solitary sport, but most rounds are actually hours of shared movement. You're walking the same route (well, I’m often walking into the trees). Experiencing the same weather. Celebrating the same birdie (or double bogey). Sharing long periods of silence without awkwardness. Some of my most meaningful recent connections have come via a golf course (alongside the obligatory wanting to throw my clubs in the woods and leave them there).

Psychologists sometimes talk about the distinction between "doing together" and "talking together." Modern life has become heavily weighted towards talking together. Meetings. Calls. Messages. Video conferences. Group chats. Yet much of human connection may have evolved through doing together.

Golf creates that naturally. 

Running does too.

Again, I’ve had recent conversations that have happened while running alongside someone where I’ve come away feeling deeply connected. There is a strange honesty that emerges when both people are working physically. Nobody is performing or curating. You're simply moving forward together, sometimes vulnerably. The same thing happens walking.

Stanford researchers Marily Oppezzo and Daniel Schwartz found that walking significantly increased creative thinking compared to sitting. They weren't studying relationships, but their findings raise an interesting possibility. If walking helps thoughts flow more freely, perhaps it helps conversations flow more freely too.

Anyone who has ever gone for a walk with a teenager and ended up discussing topics that never emerge at home will probably recognise this. I've seen it with my own boys.

The breakthrough conversations rarely happen when I sit them down. They happen when we're heading somewhere. Perhaps because the destination isn't the point. The journey is. There is another layer to this too. Many of these activities happen outdoors.

Research from the University of Exeter (probably the best university in the world) has linked exposure to green spaces with reduced stress, improved mood and greater psychological wellbeing. Attention Restoration Theory, developed by Stephen and Rachel Kaplan, proposes that natural environments allow our directed attention systems to recover from the constant demands of modern life. In simple terms, nature helps us feel less mentally crowded. And when the mind feels less crowded, there is often more room for connection.

Looking back across this series, I am starting to notice a pattern.

The sauna removed distraction. The car created regulation. Walking, running and golf create synchrony. All three create environments that make connection more likely.

None of them force conversation or rely on clever questions. None of them require a wellbeing programme. They simply create the conditions in which humans have connected for thousands of years.

Maybe that's the lesson. We keep trying to teach people how to connect. Perhaps we should spend more time helping them experience together.

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The charity gig mentioned in this piece was organised by Artists for Gaza, a wonderful initiative bringing musicians together for an important cause.